if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I faked an abortion last night.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
my penis made a compromise with my morals
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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