There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
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