after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
