I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
