I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
