Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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