I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
