my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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