So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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