he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
