My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
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