I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
