Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
