this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
