he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
