the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
