i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
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