you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I just had sex on a roof
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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