yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
