you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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