you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
