So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Someone shattered a urinal.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
