her vagina looked like bernie madoff
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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