So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
