she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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