I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
