That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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