I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Did you just see the Batmobile???
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
