I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
