So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
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