I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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