1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
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