Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
