i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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