just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
