oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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