Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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