i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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