I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
