I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
