you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
