can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
