Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
