Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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