I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
