he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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