make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
