3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
