KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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