apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
