I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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