You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
