At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
