If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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