Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
