Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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