When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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