i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
